People who experience domestic violence are often hesitant to disclose their stories and reach out for help. Family and friends who have concerns or questions or who may be unsure about what is going on “behind closed doors” should call a domestic violence helpline. There are several agencies on the North Olympic Peninsula, all listed below. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233

Seeing someone suffer from potential or actual domestic violence can be confusing, involve feelings of helplessness, isolation, and uncertainty about whether or not something should be done. It’s free to call a DV help agency and that is what they are for so they appreciate your calls. They can offer you information about all the many forms of domestic violence, which is also known by the phrases intimidation, bullying, coercive control, power and control, intimate partner violence, emotional or psychological abuse.

ClallamCountyBar.com recommends family and friends call sooner rather than later. Controlling behaviors tend to escalate so the sooner they are tended to the sooner everyone, including the children, can be safe and free to live life without fear.

Coercive control and DV are very common in America. Sometimes both people are involved but usually one person is the main driver and it can be by man or woman or by any gender. Research studies consistently find that over 33% of people experience some form of coercive control, so it’s common in society.

Possessive and controlling behaviors, and physical DV, often develop slowly, over time in a relationship, but can escalate quickly. DV doesn’t always involve physical control, which is why terms such as coercive control sometimes offer a better descriptive term.

Domestic violence comes in many forms, and usually involves a pattern of coercive behaviors, used by one person in a relationship to gain or maintain control over the other. It’s very common for control behavior to be done in a way that is hidden from family and friends, or is at least harder to see. Behaviors may include:

• Isolating a person from family, friends and other social situations.
• Limitations on freedom.
• Stubborn refusal to compromise
• Unrelenting threats, intimidation, and other forms of coercion to make others do what they want.
• Switching between very charming behaviors and angry/aggressive behaviors.
• Persistent blaming of others, and consistently avoiding true responsibility for one’s own actions.
• Insisting other people solve problems.
• Focus on self-needs, especially as an excuse to engage in controlling behaviors (they tend to want to satisfy their needs first, and other people’s needs take a back seat or get addressed “later.”
• Minimizing behaviors used to control.
• Denying they did anything at all.
• Their stories and explanations are often “fuzzy” and difficult to follow. Their stories often make loose connections between things which when looked at a little more closely don’t actually make a lot of sense.
• Put downs.
• Threating to leave, make false reports to CPS or the police.
• Doing illegal things to their partner.
• Demanding their partner dismiss charges if they are filed.
• Economic and financial control.
• Emotional abuse.
• Spiritual abuse.
• Sexual abuse.
• Stalking.
• Weapon use or threats of use.
• Physical abuse, including grabbing, pushing, spitting, kicking, throwing things, breaking things, and hitting. Harming animals and pets is an indicator of extreme and dangerous control. Choking (strangulation) is an indicator of very extreme domestic violence and increases the likelihood of death by 750%.

If your loved ones disclose concerns, seem to be oddly disappearing from social circles, show (or hide) bruises, feel overwhelmed by their relationships, it won’t hurt to call an agency and speak with an advocate about what you might seeing and feeling. For many reasons, it is often very hard for people who are in a DV situation to ask for help, but they need it. You may be able to help them get the help they need.

For professionals

The behaviors list above is based on traditional DV theory, and also on attachment theory as described by the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation (DMM). The DMM describes the attachment system as involving people’s use of self-protective strategies to survive danger. These strategies are usually developed in childhood, and the more extreme forms of strategies are developed in response to parents who lack skills to provide a nurturing and safe home environment. In adulthood, the strategies to survive a difficult childhood are often used in romantic relationships but are in many ways dysfunctional. When they don’t work, the person often just increases the intensity of the type of behavior. This is why DV tends to escalate. A more detailed list of typical “victim” and “aggressor” self-protective strategies from a DMM perspective is available here.

This article is based in part on a research article by Alison Gregory and colleagues.

Gregory, Alison, Anna Kathryn Taylor, Katherine Pitt, Gene Feder, and Emma Williamson. “‘.?.?. The Forgotten Heroes’: A Qualitative Study Exploring How Friends and Family Members of DV Survivors Use Domestic Violence Helplines.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 36, no. 21–22 (November 2021): NP11479–505. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260519888199.